by Margaret Snider, 3rd Degree Black Belt
Not everything falls into place because of a decision. It takes more. One moment I’m committed to reaching 3rd degree, the next I can see all the skills and abilities I must improve in order to progress. When I actually try to get down to it, I reach the sticking point and don’t seem able to get over the barrier. I know I’m not ready.
I look at myself and my efforts and don’t say, “Well, that’s all I can do right now.” Instead I look at myself and say, “Good heavens, that’s awful! I don’t want to even be seen like that!”
My excuses are many and varied: I was out for a year and a half. I only just started again. I’ve gotten weak. I’m 75 years old, for goodness sake! And the familiar and often used, I don’t have time!
Finally, I think of the quote from Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit. “Go back? No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” Instead of doubting myself, I doubt my doubts. Seeing where I am, I pray for help, and start getting to where I want to be to be able to pass 3rd degree.
I’ve been treading water, so I’m not drowning. I start not only “doing” my forms, but doing them to pass muster. Over and over, and it seems that I can’t do them without error, without messing up, without – oh, the horror! Without hesitation!
While all this is going on, suddenly there is “Covid.” That monster appearing out of nowhere that disrupts the life of everyone in the Universe. There is no escape. Although not everyone is sick with it, everyone suffers. Loses their business, their livelihood, gets locked down, not allowed to make personal contact with loved ones, friends. Every event is cancelled, the streets are nearly bare of cars. More than an illness, it infects an entire world with distress, distortion, pain, and loneliness. Even religion is forced to shut down.
The world may be closed, but love, hope, and faith can’t be closed. Each week, because of the tremendous efforts of Master Amitis Pourarian and UWTA, Taekwondo continues. Although personal contact is forbidden, we continue while observing protocols – and wearing masks.
Along with the internal values, pilsung endures, and each morning, while otherwise with the Covid restrictions I might have just gone back to bed after breakfast, I arise, and continue my training. I have to make 3rd degree.
Time is running out. I am now practicing from the app at least once a week, and at The Studio once. In spite of my errors, I feel welcomed and encouraged by the instructors and fellow students.
Finally, there is so little time left that I must quickly learn what I have to learn, and pull ahead to the finish line. I have done my work every week, taken private bo staff lessons with Laynee and completed her bo staff class. I attended the board breaking class, participated in tournaments, everything I can think of. I might feel insufficient, but I’m game. I do pushups, situps, I walk.
At home, my practice area is the garage or outside in the yard. In the garage I practice bo staff and hit the light fixtures hanging above – if I’m really enthusiastic, I hit the rafters. I run the staff into the cupboards against the wall. Outside is little better. I don’t hit things, except too often the ground. The two areas large enough are the patio, with uneven pavers from the roots of the cedar tree trying to come through, or the grass, which is clumpy and irregular. At The Studio, I still make errors but am encouraged by the trial tests, since I at least keep up and finish.
Two or three weeks before testing, part of our instruction is to do our forms 10 times each. It is summer, and very hot. Wildfires rage on both sides of the Sacramento area, and the smoke is the worst it has been. We begin look up the fires online every day to find out if it is coming toward us, and how much further it has traveled. Are we going to have to evacuate? How far away is it? “All I can do” is all I can do, I tell myself. And I have to do it, and make it to 3rd Dan. “I can do this,” I tell myself. I even believe it, even as I drop my bo staff again.
I practice the bo staff form in the garage first, having reviewed the form in my head over and over the night before. I move out to the grass and practice there, then onto the patio, going over the form more than 10 times. By the end of that, I am at least remembering the form and moving steadily through it.
Then I do Pal Jang, Koryo, Keumgang, each at least 10 times. My eyes are watering with the smoke, it is hard to breath. It becomes dark, and I continue, sweat pouring off of me. I don’t do a single form without messing up in some way.
Then comes the evening of testing. Master Pourarian runs the show. Familiar and unfamiliar judges, including Sr. Master Olson and Grand Master Lee, assist with judging at the outdoor event, spacing observed. My husband accompanies me for moral support. I feel confident and disciplined, and I make it through all six stations. I do not drop my bo staff during the performance and I do not hesitate while doing my form.
This phase is over, but it has not left me the same as before. I am now a 3rd degree black belt inTaekwondo.